вау этот дневник действительно становится личнымwhat the hell has gone wrong with my life -_- every day i wake up, go to see her, then she gives me 5 minutes of her attention and runs away. but she gives me hope and it doesn't hurt so much, and i go home, i listen to the songs that normally make me cry, but not on the road, and when i come home, i listen to them again and this time i cry, the hope all gone. i mean, i know and i understand and i would've tried to forget her normally, but the ache is physical, this knot in my chest that stops me from breathing almost completely. very, very literally, i don't get enough air, she can kill me, she can fucking kill me i'm hopeless. i started writing a fucking poetry just how pathetic is that? i'm too boring for her, too ordinary, too dumb, too ugly, she's from another world, where even the worst of people are beautiful and charming and dangerous and hopelessly brilliant. people like her. it's like another universe is walking down the same corridors as me, alien and so insanely beautiful i can't breath when i think of her - every minute, every moment she is suddenly bigger and better that anything else in my life, except music: music lives in her, it is her. everything else, things that seemed so important and lovable, are so distant now. i can't not think of her and cry, like i want to cry when i listen to the best of songs or look at the stars. but now all songs and all stars mean her. i just hope she'll let me say something tomorrow, that she'll tell me something. i've got questions she's avoiding, and it hurts. they aren't even about her.
it hurts so, so much. i hope i just idealize her. hope she can get close to me, or i to her, or maybe it will pass one day. but i'm sure i've never felt this before. this need. i thought i can only love (fall in love with?) someone warm and kind and emotional, but there she is, all sharp and alien and careless and i lose my head over her, just suddenly, in a... day's time or something. it's all the music's fault.