.Where can i run away to? People surrounding me are either too cruel or too wonderful. Lovely and kind. I just don't deserve them. And... there's there's a feeling that won't pass i just want to escape - that's what i tell myself. i want to get rid of it. in reality? i can't, i just can't, it's impossible for me to lose hope and stop wanting her to love me at least quarter as much as i love her. i know that it can never work, and there's someone else who's my soulmate, and whom i love, but she still lives in my head, and i can't get her out. i want to see her more, more, more, more and i shouldn't, i really shouldn't, it's embarrassing for everyone and she doesn't want that and why can't it just stop because i can't make it stop and i found another stupid and unpleasant thing - i need pain, i hate myself and that really helps. but there's only so much i can do on my own it's awful, that life, i smile and feel great, i'm surrounded by wonderful people who believe in me, i'm almost happy, but then i come home and just... crack. fall to pieces or more like... melt. into something ugly and my smile turns so ugly, and it was ugly before and how can i cope with it? i can't. i just need somebody to hurt me and then hug me and tell me it'll stop one day... one day